When my symptoms first presented, clearly I was in denial. I am writing this now five months later and I still resent myself for being so.. stupid. Why is it that when we are clearly sick we still refuse to believe it? I was still in the United States when my rash presented. I could have taken a few hours out of my day, called my travel insurance, and stopped at a clinic where they would have given me a few pills and sent me on my way. I would have never gotten sick.
I was anxious to get home and didn't consider Lyme when I was making the drive. But by the time I arrived in Quebec, my mind was reeling. I was afraid to pick up my baby nephew because I seriously thought maybe it was ringworm and I didn't want to give it to him. But there was something that nagged me in the back of my mind, and that something led me to take a picture of my rash and send it to my dad. Why did I send it to my dad? A seasoned hunter, he was the family expert on ticks and Lyme disease. He had been infected, twice. He told me to go get it checked out right away.
And did I get it checked out right away? No. Even though it was in the back of my mind that maybe it was a Lyme tick bite, I refused to acknowledge that was true. I thank the Quebec medical system, because most of all I really didn't want to wait hours and hours in a walk-in clinic for nothing. I pushed the thought out of my mind and continued on with normal life.
Eventually the rash faded away, and there I was thinking it was probably just ringworm or a spider bite and I was happy I had nipped it in the bud. And when I experienced the onset of flu symptoms, even though it was early June, I was in denial again. I figured it was something that was going around the gym and waited for it to pass. But it didn't pass, it got worse. I went through a few days of insane hypochondria, I thought Lyme, West Nile, lupus, scarlet fever, brain tumor-- clearly the brain fog was kicking in around that point. I knew something was wrong. Emotionally I felt like I had severe PMS symptoms 24/7, and my body was fluking out on me. But it took a lot of convincing and a little bit of research before I consented to "Go to the doctor to rule out Lyme" to ensure it was just the flu.
Normally, when I have the flu I don't feel the instinct to go to the doctor to make sure its not something else. Although I was cloudy and crazy, my intuition had been just strong enough to push me to go see a doctor. Anyway, as I mentioned in an earlier post, I walked out with a diagnosis and a prescription.
You would think my testimonial of guilt would end here, but.. naturally.. it doesn't. If I could change a second thing-- the first being seeing a doctor right away-- I would have taken my treatment more seriously. They told me I was allowed to consume alcohol, so I took advantage of that. To make matters worse, I was too stubborn to take time off work to allow my body it heal properly. And so speaking, because I had missed two weeks due to vacation I was stressed to the max trying to catch up while suffering through my symptoms.
Instead of eating a healthy diet to help my body fight the infection, I ate junk food and carbs-- that was all my body wanted, and I didn't have the energy to cook for myself. Now I blame that on the bugs in my brain that wanted me to feed them a continuous supply of sugar and gluten so they could thrive. I wish that all the research I had done in August had been done in June. If I had taken care of myself, I think that the two weeks of antibiotics may have actually done their job.
So it is my fault. It is my fault entirely that I had to suffer even longer than I should have. I don't know why I feel the need to write this now that I am almost feeling completely better.. guess I just had to get it out. Just don't be like me, people.
